Category: Crime

Fait accompli

fait ac·com·pli/ˌfed əkämˈplē,ˌfād əkämˈplē/ noun: fait accompli; plural noun: faits accomplis

a thing that has already happened or been decided before those affected hear about it, leaving them with no option but to accept it.

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The phrase is from the French and probably originated around the mid-19th century. That’s fitting (or, as the French themselves may say, apropos). It was around that time that the government in France changed with the same degree of frequency usually reserved for cheap transistor radios. The monarchy was overthrown. Then the republic. Then Napoleon. Then the next republic. Then the next Napoleon . . .

You get the point.

A tumultuous period of governmental overthrows in 19th century France led to mass executions and economic collapse as politicians sought to establish themselves as “necessary” to the French people’s existence and happiness. The French claimed to be inspired in their motives by the success of the new nation, the United States of America.

The great majority of Americans don’t realize it, but the fait accompli of their lives is the disappearance of their liberty, both personal and political.

They have no option but to accept it. Their parents and grandparents sealed their fate with tolerating income taxes and praising Social Security and accepting dozens of illegitimate, unconstitutional Supreme Court decisions without so much as a whimper.

Liberty is a funny thing. Unless someone is willing to fight for it, it dies. And, sometimes, that death is brutal and slow. Places like Hong Kong and Venezuela take a long time to kill liberty because it was really only a seedling concept in those places.

Fighting for liberty doesn’t always mean death to the individual fighter, although that is possible. And it’s a price someone must be prepared to pay for the successful defense of liberty. Defending liberty, however, can mean something as tempered as speaking at a meeting or writing a letter. These are options Americans have that other nations like Cuba and North Korea will never experience.

But, America is different. It was founded on liberty bedrock. The holes were drilled and the pillars were sunk straight into it. Liberty was so deep a part of the United States that citizens didn’t believe it could ever be separated.

What we have learned is that regardless of the foundation, the inhabitants of a house can destroy it from the inside. And they have. We have.

We – and by “we,” I mean “me” – rolled over passively at the disgusting and ridiculous suggestion that we/I were “killing grandparents” with COVID-19. We donned masks to shield ourselves when we knew full well it was useless. We didn’t question the information being fed to us despite the fact that the FIRST obligation of freedom is to educate yourselves.

Now, we have masked mobs raging the urban streets, unidentifiable through tools the government itself mandated. They murder and kill as indiscriminately as coronavirus ever did, probably more so. Their outrage is as false as the pandemic that was forgotten the moment they threw the first conveniently-placed brick.

As Americans, we had traditionally been united by our mutual love for liberty. That is to say, our desire to remain unoppressed by a government – ANY government – was shared by every American of every political orientation. Democrats wanted collective money with local authority. Republicans wanted local money with collective apathy. Both concepts were untenable and wrong.

So, here we are in 2020. Everyone wanting the government to “do something’ . . . “fix this.”

It can’t. It is the Frankenstein American citizens created. It is only capable of more destruction. We place feeble chains on our monster, yet we ask it to do more for us. And when it breaks those shackles and runs amok in our cities’ streets, we act betrayed or outraged.

Americans disgust me. I disgust me.

The United States of America is dead. Fait accompli.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force, More

Network head resigns over publicity stunt

Electronic devices caused a terrorism scare in Boston and led police to shut down bridges.

ATLANTA (AP) – The head of the Cartoon Network resigned Friday after a marketing stunt that caused a terrorism scare in Boston and led police to shut down bridges and send in the bomb squad.

The announcement of Jim Samples’ resignation came in an internal memo to Cartoon Network staff members.

“It’s my hope that my decision allows us to put this chapter behind us and get back to our mission of delivering unrivaled original animated entertainment for consumers of all ages,” said Samples, who was the network’s general manager and executive vice president.

He said he regretted what had happened and felt “compelled to step down, effective immediately, in recognition of the gravity of the situation that occurred under my watch.”

Dozens of blinking electronic devices showing a crude cartoon character had been planted in 10 cities as part of a guerrilla marketing campaign to promote the cartoon “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” but when Boston authorities got a series of calls about the devices on Jan. 31, they feared the circuit boards with wires could be explosives.

Cartoon Network’s corporate parent acknowledged a few hours into the scare that the boards were harmless and part of a marketing move.

On Monday, Turner Broadcasting and an advertising agency involved agreed to pay $2 million in compensation for the emergency response the devices had spurred in Boston.

The Cartoon Network is a division of Atlanta-based Turner Broadcasting, whose parent is media giant Time Warner Inc.

The agreement between Turner, Interference Inc. and several state and local agencies resolves any potential civil or criminal claims against the two companies.

Two men who Boston authorities say placed the devices around the city and apparently videotaped police responding to the scare have been charged with placing a hoax device and disorderly conduct; both have pleaded not guilty.

Boston police found 38 of the blinking signs on Boston’s bridges, at Fenway Park and at other high-profile spots. The magnetic lights, depicting crudely drawn “Aqua Teen” characters giving the finger, also were place in nine other U.S. cities for a publicity campaign, but they sparked a scare only in Boston. The small signs had apparently been up for two or three weeks in Boston before the calls to authorities last week.

Turner spokeswoman Shirley Powell said neither Samples nor Mark Lazarus, president of Turner Entertainment Group, would grant media interviews Friday.

Samples, 44, had not taken another job yet, Powell said. A replacement for Samples, who had been with the company for 13 years, was not immediately announced.

All the publicity didn’t translate into much of a marketing boost for the show the network was trying to promote. The cartoon averaged 386,000 viewers among its targeted demographic of 18-to-24-year-olds, according to Nielsen Media Research.

Indianapolis

. . . or Cleveland . . . or Baltimore . . . or Denver . . . or any other city that has experienced rioting and destruction as the result of winning a world championship.

Police praise Colts fans’ behavior
By Will Higgins
Indianapolis Star

The second night of celebrating the Colts’ Super Bowl win went even more smoothly than the first.
As more than 50,000 people came Downtown to welcome home the team, police made just one arrest: a homeless man was busted for public intoxication.
Police also responded to a report of a lost child, but the child was quickly reunited with his family. There was one ambulance run.
On Sunday night, as thousands poured into the Downtown streets following the Colts’ win over the Chicago Bears, police made six arrests.
“I would have anticipated more arrests than what we had,” said Lt. Doug Scheffel, a spokesman for the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department. “This is really a credit to the city.”
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Now, I could get into the whole urban mentality or mob psychology and stimulus/response. I’m sure there are psychobabble experts out there who would be more than happy to engage in such academically paralyzing and culturally pointless bits of discussion. But, instead, I’m going to tell you the truth. Ready? Here it is.
People in the rural Midwestern United States behave better than most people everywhere else.
Let me repeat that for those of you who may be stunned by such a concrete value statement about a group of people based upon their geographic location.
People in the rural Midwestern United States behave better than most people everywhere else.
I lived in Iowa for four years. I’ve spent time in Des Moines, Cedar Rapids/Iowa City, Peoria, Champaign-Urbana, West Lafayette, South Bend and, yes, Indianapolis.
Clearly there are some urban Midwestern cities that have degenerated into the mold of their coastal counterparts. St. Louis, Detroit, Chicago (although improving) spring immediately to mind. These cities allowed themselves to be poisoned by the urban characteristics brought to them by residents of other tainted urban environments.
The medium-sized urban areas in my first list did not accept this element (Peoria possibly being the lone exception, although they’ve taken extraordinary steps to reverse this trend).
The bottom-line for cities is this: if your goal is to be “the next New York” or “the next Atlanta”, then you are sowing the seeds of destruction for your city and its citizens. Urban areas must grow around the core values and strengths they possessed when they were NOT urban areas. Cities are no different than people. They may both grow into stardom and fame. But both are doomed unless each remembers where they came from.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Please note Paragraph #17; at least NINE other cities reported no “terror-related” incidents nor responses with these devices.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 02/01/07

If Atlanta’s Turner Broadcasting System wanted publicity for one of its offbeat shows, then mission accomplished.

A promotion for a cartoon called “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” went badly awry Wednesday in Boston, where 10 or more electronic devices that had been placed at various locations sparked enough concern to bring out the bomb squad. Even the governor of Massachusetts was irritated by the campaign, which led to temporary shutdowns of subway service, some streets and part of I-93.

“It’s a hoax —- and it’s not funny,” Gov. Deval Patrick told The Associated Press.

Turner officials apologized. “We appreciate the gravity of this situation and, like any responsible company would, are putting all necessary resources toward understanding the facts surrounding it as quickly as possible,” said chairman and CEO Phil Kent.

The promotion involved devices with blinking lights that were meant to draw attention to the “Aqua Teen” TV show, which will soon be the subject of a movie. The cartoon appears as part of Adult Swim, a block of grown-up targeted shows in the late-night hours on Turner’s Cartoon Network.

The publicity stunt brought no laughs at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, which mobilized federal counterterrorism teams for what officials thought was a coordinated threat in a major city.

“Hoaxes are an enormous burden on law enforcement and counterterrorism resources,” said Russ Knocke, spokesman for agency. “And, in a post 9-11 world, there’s absolutely no place for hoaxes.”

Turner issued a statement about the odd affair, saying the company was in touch with officials about the devices, which were placed in 10 cities two or three weeks ago.

“We apologize to the citizens of Boston that part of a marketing campaign was mistaken for a public danger,” Kent said.

“As soon as we realized that an element of the campaign was being mistaken for something potentially dangerous, appropriate law enforcement officials were notified,” Kent said.

The promotional light boxes were developed in Atlanta by Cartoon Network marketing staffers. They wanted a low-budget, guerrilla-style marketing campaign. The “Aqua Teen” movie is set to debut in March.

The boxes had neon lights that lit up at night. Some featured a character named Ignignokt that gives passers-by the middle finger.

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finger
A potentially lethal homemade Lite-Brite is shown
by the expert investigators of the Boston Police,
who thwarted a potential threat to homeland security
by taking out the glowing pegs and creating the image
of a windmill.
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For the uninitiated, “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” is an action-comedy that features three stars of sorts —- Meatwad, a meatball-shaped character; Frylock, a talking container of fries; and Master Shake, who is, as the name implies, a milkshake.

The program is meant to appeal to an audience of males in their teens and 20s. The snarky Web site Wonkette opined that “Aqua Teen” is “watched only by college students who smoke marijuana.”

Maybe that’s why some concerned Bostonians didn’t get it. Fred Toucher, a former radio personality at Atlanta’s 99X, now works for rock station WBCN-FM in Boston. Toucher said that when he and another former 99X jock saw photos of the so-called “bomb” Wednesday, they instantly identified it as a character from “Aqua Teen.”

“One of our listeners said that they had been up around town for weeks,” Toucher wrote in an e-mail after the brouhaha died down. “It is a big deal here, even though it seems pretty dumb now.”

The mess in Boston hasn’t been repeated so far in other cities. Turner said the devices were planted recently in Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco and Philadelphia.

Joe Cobb, Atlanta Police Department public information officer, said his department was unaware of the devices and had received no complaints. Nonetheless, APD’s Homeland Security unit was notified Wednesday to be on the lookout.

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he wants to punish those responsible. After Turner made its announcement, Menino said he was “prepared to take any and all legal action” against the company and its affiliates “for any and all expenses incurred during the response to today’s incidents.”

The Boston Globe reported that Peter Berdvosky, a Massachusetts artist who said he installed the objects for a New York-based guerrilla marketing firm, was arrested in the case.

Kent said the company told officials where to find the devices in all 10 cities where they were planted. “We also directed the third-party marketing firm who posted the advertisements to take them down immediately,” he said.
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*EDIT:

It just keeps getting more and more bizarre . . .

By JAY LINDSAY,
Associated Press Writer 

BOSTON – A judge ordered two men held on bond Thursday for allegedly placing electronic advertising devices around the city in a publicity stunt that went awry and stirred fears of terrorism, shutting down parts of Boston.

Peter Berdovsky, 27, and Sean Stevens, 28, were held on $2,500 cash bond each after they pleaded not guilty to placing a hoax device and disorderly conduct for a device found Wednesday at a subway station.

suspicious_device_guys
Sean Stevens (played by Apple Corporation CEO Steve Jobs) and his
partner-in-“crime” Peter Berdovsky (wearing the Bob Marley wig with
matching ganja-induced facial expression) plead not guilty at their
arraignment in Boston earlier today.

Officials found 38 blinking electronic signs promoting the Cartoon Network TV show “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” on bridges and other high-profile spots across the city Wednesday, prompting the closing of a highway and the deployment of bomb squads. The surreal series is about a talking milkshake, a box of fries and a meatball. The network is a division of Turner Broadcasting Systems Inc.

“It’s clear the intent was to get attention by causing fear and unrest that there was a bomb in that location,” Assistant Attorney General John Grossman said at their arraignment.

The men did not speak or enter their own pleas, but they appeared amused and smiled as the prosecutor talked about the device found at Sullivan Station underneath Interstate 93, looking like it had C-4 explosive.

“The appearance of this device and its location are crucial,” Grossman said. “This device looks like a bomb.”

Some in the gallery snickered.

Outside the courthouse, Michael Rich, a lawyer for both of the men, said the description of a bomb-like device could be used for any electronic device.

“If somebody had left a VCR on the ground it would have been a device with wires, electronic components and a power source,” he said.

Boston officials were livid when the devices were discovered.

“It is outrageous, in a post 9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme,” Mayor Thomas Menino said Wednesday. “I am prepared to take any and all legal action against Turner Broadcasting and its affiliates for any and all expenses incurred during the response to today’s incidents.”

Berdovsky, an artist, told The Boston Globe he was hired by a marketing company and said he was “kind of freaked out” by the furor.

“I find it kind of ridiculous that they’re making these statements on TV that we must not be safe from terrorism, because they were up there for three weeks and no one noticed. It’s pretty commonsensical to look at them and say this is a piece of art and installation,” he said.

Fans of the show mocked authorities for what they called an overreaction.

About a dozen fans gathered outside Charlestown District Court on Thursday morning with signs saying “1-31-07 Never Forget” and “Free Peter.”

“We’re the laughing stock,” said Tracy O’Connor, 34.

“It’s almost too easy to be a terrorist these days,” said Jennifer Mason, 26. “You stick a box on a corner and you can shut down a city.”

Authorities vowed to hold Turner accountable for what Menino said was “corporate greed,” that led to at least $750,000 in police costs.

As soon as Turner realized the Boston problem around 5 p.m., it said, law enforcement officials were told of their locations in 10 cities where it said the devices had been placed for two to three weeks: Boston, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Ore., Austin, Texas, San Francisco and Philadelphia.

“We apologize to the citizens of Boston that part of a marketing campaign was mistaken for a public danger,” said Phil Kent, chairman of Turner, a division of Time Warner Inc.

Kent said the marketing company that placed the signs, Interference Inc., was ordered to remove them immediately.

Interference had no comment. A woman who answered the phone at the New York-based firm’s offices Wednesday afternoon said the firm’s CEO was out of town and would not be able to comment until Thursday.

Messages seeking additional comment from the Atlanta-based Cartoon Network were left with several publicists.

Authorities are investigating whether Turner or other companies should be criminally charged, Attorney General Martha Coakley said. “We’re not going to let this go without looking at the further roots of how this happened to cause the panic in this city,” Coakley said.

In Seattle and several suburbs, the removal of the signs was low-key. “We haven’t had any calls to 911 regarding this,” Seattle police spokesman Sean Whitcomb said Wednesday.

Police in Philadelphia said they believed their city had 56 devices.

The New York Police Department removed 41 of the devices — 38 in Manhattan and three in Brooklyn, according to spokesman Paul Browne. The NYPD had not received any complaints. But when it became aware of the situation, it contacted Cartoon Network, which provided the locations so the devices could be removed.

“Aqua Teen Hunger Force” is a cartoon with a cultish following that airs as part of a block of programs for adults on the Cartoon Network. A feature length film based on the show is slated for release March 23.

Vandalism

War protesters allowed to spray paint the U.S. Capitol
Capitol Chief of Police tell officers not to arrest anyone

American Family Association – During last Saturday’s Washington rally protesting the war in Iraq, hundreds of anti-war protesters were allowed to desecrate government property by spray painting the Capitol with anarchist symbols. Little, if any, of this activity was covered in any of the mainline media outlets.

Capitol Police Chief Phillip Morse ordered his officers to fall back and allow the protesters to exercise what he called “their First Amendment rights” to spray paint the Capitol steps with graffiti. Defending his actions (or lack thereof), Morse said, “The graffiti was easily removed by the staff. It is our duty and responsibility to protect the Capitol complex, while allowing the public to exercise their freedom of speech.” He even ordered his officers not to arrest anyone.

The war protesters were given access and leniency to deface government property. According to Family Research Council, public employees had to come in on their day off, at taxpayers’ expense, to clean up the mess the protesters left behind.

Colorado Sen. Wayne Allard (R) has requested a meeting with Morse to determine why no action was taken to prevent the vandalism and why no arrests were made following the acts.

As Capitol Chief of Police, Morse reports directly to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

My email to Speaker Pelosi:

Subj: Defacing Our Capitol
To: The Honorable Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives
From: Robert Purdie
Date: January 31, 2007

Dear, Speaker Pelosi,

I am disgusted with the action of the war protesters spray painting the steps of the Capitol and, more to the point, the LACK of action of Capitol Police in protecting the important symbol of our nation in which you work.

I hope you will use your position to insure that this does not happen again.  We all have the right to protest, but we do not have the right to deface publically built and supported symbols like the Capitol with spray paint.

Respectfully yours,

Send your own version of this letter here.

Tom Cruise = Jesus

*Editor’s note: As I wrote and edited this story, it ocurred to me that it is almost impossible to tell the difference between the honestly true freaky stuff and my own inserted bizarre bits of humor. Therefore, in the public interest, I will highlight my words in red and the “real” stuff in blue.

Enjoy.

According to a story in The New Zealand Herald, the Church of Scientology is hailing Tom Cruise as the “Christ” of Scientology and is the “chosen one” who will spread the word of his religion.

Scientologist Chief Delusionary David Miscavige (honorary title) is convinced Cruise, 44, will one day be worshipped like Jesus all over the world, becoming a prophet for the religion.

Due to Cruise’s heavy filming and production schedues, no date has been set for the actor’s public flogging and subsequent crucifixion. His resurrection, however, is already scheduled for an invitation-only private party at Spago following the 2008 Academy Awards.

Scientology founder and American science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard claimed that extra terrestrial beings were sent to planet Earth by intergalactic ruler Xenu, who then blew up the aliens with hydrogen bombs in a volcano.

Yes, I am serious – they do, in fact, believe that.

All of this may help explain some of the difficulty “Jesus, Jr.” is having trying to convince David and Victoria Beckham to get on board the Scientology Cruise.

Beckham, a British soccer star who is known all over the world, signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy of the American MLS (Major League Soccer) last month for at least $10 million a year. His wife, former Spice Girl “Posh Spice” (Victoria Beckham), is also expected to move to Los Angeles with her husband.

A source close to Beckhams said “Tom spoke to David for hours about Scientology. He feels it could help to lift him out of the blues over his football career. But Victoria is having none of it. She can’t see the point of joining something like that where you have to donate money.”
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Holy crap this is funny (albeit moderately offensive – don’t say I didn’t warn you)!

Just copy your URL and paste it into Gizoogle.

Thanks, Amy!

 

Sex workers?

Is it just me, or has anyone else been annoyed by hookers now being referred to as “sex workers“? The particular story I link to is pretty sad . . . and clearly I don’t wish such a fate on anyone, including “sex workers.”

But, come on.

I suppose the guys who smuggle that white powder across the borders are now “recreational pharmaceutical transport workers”? Hit men? “Life termination workers.” Embezzlers? “Unauthorized asset relocation workers.”

Puh-leeze.

Golden Rule

 

Why Do Good Things for Others?
Brain Study May Offer Clues

Monday, Jan. 22 (HealthDay News) – People may not perform selfless acts just for an emotional reward, a new brain study suggests.

Instead, they may do good because they’re acutely tuned into the needs and actions of others.

Scientists say a piece of the brain linked to perceiving others’ intentions shows more activity in unselfish vs. selfish types.

“Perhaps altruism did not grow out of a warm-glow feeling of doing good for others, but out of the simple recognition that that thing over there is a person that has intentions and goals. And therefore, I might want to treat them like I might want them to treat myself,” explained study author Scott Huettel, an associate professor of psychology at Duke University Medical Center, in Durham, N.C.

He and lead researcher Dharol Tankersley, a graduate student at Duke, published their findings in the Jan. 21 online issue of Nature Neuroscience.

For decades, psychologists and neuroscientists have puzzled over the tendency of humans to engage in altruistic acts — defined by Huettel’s group as acts “that intentionally benefit another organism, incur no direct personal benefit, and sometimes bear a personal cost.”

Experts note that altruism doesn’t seem to provide individuals with any survival edge, so how and why did it evolve?

To help solve that puzzle, Heuttel’s team had a group of healthy young adults either engage in a computer game or watch as the computer played the game itself. In some sessions, the computer and participants played for personal gain, while in other sessions, they played for charity.

The researchers used high-tech functional MRI (fMRI) to observe “hot spots” of activity in the participants’ brains as they engaged in these tasks.

Participants were also asked to complete a questionnaire aimed at assessing their personal levels of selfishness or altruism.

Huettel said he was surprised by the study results.

“We went into this experiment with the idea that altruism was really a function of the brain’s reward systems – altruistic people would simply find it more rewarding,” he said.

But instead, a whole other brain region, called the posterior superior temporal cortex (pSTC), kicked into high gear as altruism levels rose.

The pSTC is located near the back of the brain and is not focused on reward. Instead, it focuses on perceiving others’ intentions and actions, Huettel said.

“The general function of this region is that it seems to be associated with perceiving, usually visually, stimuli that seems meaningful to us — for example, something in the environment that might move an object from place to place,” he explained.

This type of perception would have allowed humans’ more primitive ancestors to quickly pick out a potential threat – a crouching lion, for example – from amid a mass of less important stimuli.

It’s much less clear why pSTC activity gets ramped up in the brains of altruistic people, however. “That was really surprising to us,” Huettel said.

The researchers found that pSTC activity was highest when study participants were observing the computer play the game on its own – not when they were playing themselves. “That gets to this idea of agency – watching somebody else play the game,” Huettel said. “You are thinking, ‘Oh, the computer pressed the button – somebody else did that.’ ”

The bottom line, he said, is that altruism may rely on a basic understanding that others have motivations and actions that may be similar to our own.

“It’s not exactly empathy,” he said, but something more primitive. “We think that altruism may have grown out of – at least in part – such a system.”

Another expert said the Duke study raises even more questions than it answers.

“It’s a really interesting study,” said Paul Sanberg, director of the Center of Excellence for Aging and Brain Repair at the University of South Florida College of Medicine, in Tampa. “It would be really interesting, now though, to see if people who had damage to that [brain] area were much less altruistic.”

Huettel said he’s pondered that possibility. “For example, we don’t know if people who are sociopaths, or people who are autistic, might show differences in this region,” he said. “It’s a good question, but we don’t have data that shows anything one way or another. This is just a jumping-off point.”

Sanberg said the study also showed only an association between heightened pSTC activity and altruism, not a direct cause-and-effect relationship. “That needs further study,” he said.

But the Florida neuroscientist said this type of work is helping unravel the mysteries of human consciousness and behavior.

“These functional studies with high-level human behaviors are shedding important light on the contribution of different brain areas,” Sanberg said.

Oops.

BABYLON, NY (AP) – Three thieves who allegedly stole 14 global positioning system devices didn’t get away with their crime for long. The devices led police right to their home.

Town officials said the thieves didn’t even know what they had: they thought the GPS devices were cell phones, which they planned to sell.

According to Suffolk County police, the GPS devices were stolen Monday night from the Town of Babylon Public Works garage in Lindenhurst. The town immediately tapped its GPS system, and it showed that one of the devices was inside a house. Police said that when they arrived there, Kurt Husfeldt, 46, had the device in his hands.

Husfeldt was charged with criminal possession of stolen property. His 13-year-old son also was arrested on grand larceny charges.

Town officials said the boy committed the burglary with Steven Mangiapanella, 20, also of Lindenhurst. He was charged with grand larceny.

Babylon installed 300 GPS devices in snow plows, dump trucks, street sweepers and other vehicles last January.
_____________________________________________

ruthlesspeople242

*If you’ve ever seen the film Ruthless People with Danny DeVito and Bette Midler, there’s this hysterical scene where the police have Bill Pullman’s character (shown above with co-star Anita Morris) surrounded by SWAT team snipers hidden in the surrounding buildings. They use a megaphone to stay covered and warn him to lay down his case and put his hands up.

The clearly puzzled criminal asks “Is . . . is this God?”

“No, it is not God . . . we’re the police.”

“How do I know you’re the police?”

One detective to the other: “This could very well be the stupidest criminal on the face of the earth.”

Based on the above story, seems there’s now some competition for that title.

Incident

In college, I had a roommate from Jamaica named Mike. Very cool guy. His family had come to the States and settled in The Bronx. He was a track star at Evander High School there and he had come out to Iowa for an education . . . and to get out of NYC.

Well, one of the fraternities on campus had taken on a decidedly monochomatic hue over the years and consisted largely of racist morons. At that time in my life, this was fine with me as long as they didn’t cause me any trouble. You want to hate someone other than me, hey – that’s your business. Has nothing to do with me.

Well, I quickly learned a lesson about the “expanding sphere” principle of fascist ideology.

Apparently, I was the only white guy in the freshman dorm with a black roommate (at least a black roommate who wasn’t on the football team).

So, I ended up having a few exchanges of words with these clowns. No big deal.

Until one night at a sorority toga party. I had been invited by a few different sisters, so I thought this would be nice. However, among campus Greek organizations, there is a brother/sister relationship between fraternities and sororities.

You guessed it. This sororitiy was my “fraternity friends'” sister house.

I was probably there about 10 minutes before the Spidey-sense kicked in and I knew I had to bail. I started to very carefully work my way to the stairs (the sorority house was actually a second-story apartment), trying not to draw attention to the fact that I was leaving.

Then, this little, drunk, racist frat brother notices me leaving. And, filled full of alcohol and drained of intellect, this kid who is a good 5″ shorter than me and at least 30 lbs. lighter decides he’s going to settle the score for his whole frat with me right here and now. I knew he was on the wrestling team, so I made sure not to let him tie up with me. I stepped out of his way. And he half-slid/half-tumbled down the stairs.

I turned to everybody, gave a quick salute and said, “Well, folks, have a great evening” and followed the lump of drunk down the stairs.

Needless to say, the party – and I do mean almost the entire party – came out behind me, thinking I was going to pursue my wrath with our little drunken wrestler. Nothing could have been further from the truth. In fact, I had already turned to head back to campus when a group of partygoers surrounded me and forced me back to the front of the building where “Shorty” had managed to stand himself up and assume what he must have thought was a threatening posture.

“Kyle,” I said, making sure not to use his real name here, “I’m not going to fight you, bro. You’re drunk, and besides, you’re a wrestler and you’ll kill me.”

Several people in the crowd laughed at this. I detest people in crowds. Large groups of humans are among the stupidest, yet most powerful forces, on earth. If they were laughing at me, that would have been fine. But, Kyle thought they were laughing at him.

Suddenly, he charges me and grabs me. Now, the kid’s a wrestler, so even when drunk he’s pretty good at at least getting me to the ground. He had also not kept with the spirit of the event and had dressed in jeans, shirt and his fraternity jacket, whereas I had actually WORN a toga and sandals.

Not conducive attire for grappling with an opponent.

Anyway, drunk as he is and even though a fair wrestler, it only takes me a minute or two to get the upper hand. That’s when his frat brothers step in and separate us.

“Look, bro,” I say to Kyle, “I don’t want any trouble with you.” We shake hands, exchange a pleasantry or two and he goes back to the party and I walk back to campus (during which time I discover that gravel and broken glass have so carved up the tops of my feet and knees that I still have scars on them to this day).

I get back to my dorm room and am relieved to find that both Mike and my other roommate are out. I can go to sleep in peace. I shower, read a little bit, then go to sleep.

I had just dozed off when somone knocks at the door. I get up and open it.

The next thing I know, I’m against the wall by Mike’s bunk and two of Kyle’s fraternity brothers are all over me. One has me pinned against the wall, while the other is punching me in the face. Since I can’t move, it’s almost impossible to land punches back. So I start taking the periods between blows to jam my elbows in the back, neck and head of the guy holding me against the wall. He buckles a little, but won’t let go.

That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I see what would come to be known as “The Shillelagh of God”.

It was a spare slat to Mike’s bunk that had fallen out, basically a 2×4. I grabbed it and took the next punch.

Then, as he stepped off, I hit him right across the face with it. He went down like a hooker who’d just been given a hundred. I now focused on this pesky little guy who wouldn’t let go. I started pounding him over the back and head with the “Shillelagh”, but he’s in such close proximity that I can’t get a good wallop.

Then, I start taking hits to the face again. “Sleeping Beauty” has awakened. I wait and take one more punch, though, and then I put “her” back to sleep and go back to work on Metalhead.

This time he lets go of me.

I run out of the room and next door to a couple of friends, who happened to be twin brothers I played with on the football team. As they open the door I’ve been pounding and yelling on, the look on their faces tells me I must look a lot worse than I feel.

The pull me in and close and lock the door. I try to explain to them what’s gone on, but I keep having to stop and spit blood out of my mouth. After about five minutes, someone else starts pounding on their door and yelling, demanding I come out. I grab the Shillelagh and head to the door, only to be grabbed by one of the twins and told I’m insane and to keep my ass in the chair.

The validity of his statement settles on me fairly quickly.

But, the pounding doesn’t stop. And they keep yelling. And there seems to be three now. This goes on for several minutes. Finally, the door flies open.

I got two swings with the Shillelagh in before I got knocked down. Then, two of them jumped on me and held me to the floor while the third one got in my face. With a knife. And he pressed it against my throat.

The twins were asking the guys to get out of the room. They were trying to reason with them. Then, I was asked if I still thought I was tough.

I recognized the one in my face as the short guy who held me against my wall next door. Boy, he looked awful. Both his eyes were already blackened and he was bleeding out his left ear. I chuckled.

“Actually,” I said, blood pouring out the sides of my own mouth, “yeah, I do.”

“This is it, fucker!” he yelled, pushing harder against my chest. “Say you’re sorry and we’ll leave.”

Now, I don’t know where this came from. I had nowhere near the faith I have now, let alone the certainty of my place in the afterlife. But, this is what I said:

“You’re holding that knife all wrong. It won’t slit my arteries unless you have the full weight of your hand and wrist on the handle, forcing in the blade. If you’re going to kill me, kill me. If not, FUCK YOU AND GET OFF ME!”

I had a little bit looser tongue in that day.

After another minute or two, several other members of the football team came back to our floor and saw what was going on. They interceded and forced myself and my assailants to separate.

In retrospect, I should have gone to the emergency room. The swelling on my face went down after a day or so, but the inside of my mouth took well over eight weeks to heal fully. I had to wear sandals for a few days until the tops of my feet were sufficiently scabbed over for shoes.

All of that taken care of in a hospital, of course, would have generated a police report, which would have led to arrests and possible criminal charges. But, I didn’t – a decision which I think earned me favor in the eyes of my college administration.

One of my assailants, the designated puncher in my dorm room, left school as a result of the incident. The other, the one who held the knife to my throat, stayed in school after groveling to the dean. And, in fairness, he had never given me any trouble before. He graduated, but I heard recently that he died of cancer. I actually felt a degree of sadness, however small.

After graduation, my wife and I left there and – with the exception of a short trip by her to attend a friend’s wedding – we’ve never been back.